State of me

Overall, I am functional. Some days good. Some days ok. Some days a puddle on the floor. I've discovered I tear up for almost no reason at all. And my stomach often hurts. And when I sneeze I think I may dislocate my spine. So, I am falling apart. But I am mostly ok. Ok, honestly I am all over the place.

I've been really struggling to work through "what I am I suppose to be when I grow up?" I am swirly and antsy and who knows what else. I am not at all where I pictured I'd be at this point in my life. Although I guess few of us are exactly. I am trying not to compare myself to others but I do find myself doing that. Others have careers they seem excited about. They are working on projects that challenge them and are at companies they believe in. And they get paid well (well, some of them.) I am at UT. I do believe in UT as a whole. sortof. And I do like many of my coworkers. Although I don't think most of them are excited about their job either. And it's a job not a career for most of them. I don't want to work for another 30 years in HR, get to the end of my life, and have nothing to show for my "career." I don't think I want to just work to live. I've heard people say I am wasting my talents in HR. Not exactly sure what that means but I think people may think I have talents that HR is not going to tap into. I would love to do more art but I think possibly I'd feel stifled if I was doing art as a career - or more specifically if I was being told what art I needed to do.

Recently, I had two different friends ask me how work was going and when I gave them a real answer (pretty much what I wrote above) they looked at me with a blank expression and changed the subject. You have no idea how much that hurt me. Made me want to never share my heart again. I need to talk through this stuff to process it. I need feedback. I really need a kick in the pants I think. So, not sure exactly where I go from here. I keep toying with finding a job on the academic side of UT. Or maybe an outside UT job. But I'll need to convince myself I have marketable skills. I massively question that some days. I think I may not be as smart as people think I am. Just b/c my friends are smart doesn't mean I actually am. I wonder if I've fooled everyone.

I had my annual performance evaluation this week. Was full of vagueness and buzz words. Didn't mean a whole lot and didn't make me want to work harder or smarter or anything really. I just felt sortof numb. I do think my boss is trying through. She keeps commenting she doesn't know everything I do. I think she doesn't listen well sometimes.But honestly I think a lot of it is a medical condition she has which causes her to have limited short term memory.

So, I am all swirly with work. And then there is church which is almost as swirly. I've been trying to fit in at ACL. Went to a small group. met some people. Seemed nice. Went back the next week and no one was there. They were doing something offsite and hadn't told me. I gave the leader my email address again. He mentioned they were doing something else offsite that week. I told him I was interested but he never sent the details. I went to a basics class a few weeks ago that was good but again, I didn't get any emails about it and had to figure out where it was, when it was, etc. Met a few people but have only seen one person at church since then. Today I didn't really recognize anyone and no one really talked with me, so after standing around a while afterward I just left. Was tearing up and didn't want to start crying in the middle of the hallway. I like the churches mission of missional communities but I don't know practically what that will look like for me. And I am skeptical after being hurt so deeply with the idea of missional communities in the past. I am also concerned there are no older people in the church and the leadership are dads with young families. Not sure they are really in a stage in life where they will have much energy to lead outside their families.

My parents want me to get involved in a singles ministry. Honestly the thought of that makes me want to do something violent. I know they mean no harm in it but a singles ministry in my mid-30's sounds horrid. I am picturing a bunch of losers trying to come to terms that they will never marry and are trying to cover up that pain by ignoring it and being super-servers volunteering for every need the church has while wearing their "I heart Jesus" t-shirts. I really want balance. And I want a family. I want to be with older people, and young families, and singles, and teenagers, and toddlers. Well, maybe limit the toddlers. :0)

So, not sure what I'll do church-wise. Cecilia wrote a good blog recently called "belief without faith". Although I don't share all her thoughts I can definitely see how she got there. I still have belief and faith in God but sometimes the faith part is thinner than it should be. I do think God answers prayers and listens. I think He knows exactly what I am going through and in His time will give me guidance and answers. I recently prayed for something with a time line attached to it. A friend reminded me that God usually doesn't respect timelines. Yep, he was right. But God did answer it a week late so that's not too bad. :o)~

I find that I am seriously struggling with loneliness but some days are better than others. Hoping it's just a season and trying to enjoy what I can of it. There is some good stuff to being alone.