2008

Wow, it's already 2008. I think most of me is pretty neutral about starting a new year. It just doesn't seem as big of a deal like when I was little. But then there is a part of me that’s like, whoa, where have the years gone, what have I accomplished, am I where I want to be. And I think for the most part, yep, I am cool with who I am and where I am. And I am still dreaming/planning/thinking even when I am not really expressing that. I do fear dreaming too big, or talking about what I want to do sometimes b/c I am afraid of disappointing myself or others. I figure if I don't say it out loud then if I don't accomplish it no one will know and then I wouldn't have failed. Kindof dumb I guess but its reality. A friend pointed out recently that a lot of my "issues" are rooted in fear. Well, yep, they might be. But we all do that. I fear being unaccepted even when I know people like me, I fear losing my job even though I could probably go get another one, I fear my house burning down b/c there is a stupid squirrel in the attic chewing things, I sometimes fear staying single and supporting myself forever, but I also fear getting married. I fear not being good enough, but don't even know what I am measuring myself against. Sidenote - we got bored Christmas Eve and decided to measure how tall we were - "we" being my siblings - well, Rachel and I are within a 1/4 inch of each other. we "think" I am taller but Daniel was the measurer and well, he's not great at it. :0)~ We do know that Daniel is much taller than us. He was coming in at 6'2" and Rachel and I were 5'4". So, back to fear. Yep, fear does seem to affect my views quite a bit. And maybe it’s keeping me too grounded and I should step out of my comfort and do and dream bigger. With Liz back in town that could potentially happen but I will proceed cautiously b/c that’s who I am. I won’t be jumping on a plane to Africa anytime soon.

I’ve also been thinking about value lately. I really value my friends. Some might think I value some too much and my loyalty does seem to get me hurt more often than I’d like. But somehow it’s ok. I have a handful of friends who seem to let me be me, mess up, say retarded things sometimes but seem to know it’s not permanent. Last year was an interesting year of being hurt by those close to me. But I don’t want to go into that here. And I’ve realized some of the hurt was rational but some really wasn’t. But feelings aren’t always logical. Crap.

I thought I had more “real” stuff to say but I can’t seem to think clearly right now. I went to see the Dylan movie. Today was the last day it was in the theater here in Austin so I figured I shouldn’t wait any longer. Smart, eh. It wasn’t really what I expected but it was interesting. Some of the characters did a great job. The main theme that seemed to run through it was Dylan never asked for people to follow him. He’s just who he is. He didn’t want to be labeled. And when labeled he would do something outrageous to remove the label from himself. I did feel like I didn’t “get” some of the movie. But then again, we aren’t supposed to “get” Dylan anyway. I find him very interesting though.

Well, I better call it a night. Hopefully the squirrel will behave tonight.