thinking...

Humm…been thinking about how Renee likes to think about thinking. I find that quite interesting. Sometimes I feel a little afraid of thinking too much. Well, its not so much the thinking that is freaky, it’s the actually writing down my thoughts b/c for some reason they then seem too real. As long as they are just in my head, I can pretend they don’t really exist. But I have been challenged to actually write something real on this blog so here goes… (can’t guarantee this will flow very well or make much sense)

Well, I started the new year off with doubts and concern. It’s not really a secret (atleast among those close to me) that I struggle with wanting to stay in Liveoak. I’ve been there 12 years. I’ve seen great years and horrible years there. Learned a lot in general. Became who I am through it – both by accepting some stuff and pushing back on other things. I know the pastors are doing what they believe is best. They are good friends of mine. I have great friends in Liveoak. I have had many great friends leave Liveoak. As as each one leaves it makes me want to leave. I am still quite hurt by the situation with Marty. I feel I have forgiven those involved and I understand everyones sides – nothing is black and white. But I am hurt. And the thought that keeps coming back is, “if LO doesn’t have room for Marty, then what makes you think it has room for you.” I know logically that doesn’t make sense – but thats something else I have learned – feelings are not always logical. About a year ago I’d say that most everyone at LO was the same person, most everyone just seemed like clones. I felt like I could have my own opinions as long as I didn’t say them out loud. Occasionally I did say something out loud and sure got some funny looks. At the end of the year I was feeling more accepted – even though there do seem to be a lot of clones still – there are some individuals too.

Boys. Ok, this does tie in with the above paragraph. I am not really all about this boy pray about marrying a girl for years/months then asks her to court, then they get engaged 3 months later and a wedding 4 months after that. And you have to be 22. It seems like in LO this way is the only way. Oh, and no kissing. (even after 10 years of hearing about the no kissing til marriage thing – I still kindof laugh. And yes, I know not everyone has followed that - but a majority has.) I am not against the courting thing, I am just not opposed to dating either. And honestly, from a 30 year old girl perspective – if a guy likes me, I’d rather him go ahead and ask me out then sit in his room and pray about it for years first. Although I personally don’t really have to worry about this whole boy praying for years, courting, no kissing thing b/c no girl over 30 in LO in the past 15 years has ever gotten married! Not that marriage is everything and although I’d like to, I am also enjoying being single.

Well, those are some of my thoughts at the moment. Oh, and I am really thankful for a newer “comfortable friend” - didn’t really see it coming but its been good after so many of my good friends have moved away this year.