me

"pick me, chose me, love me." meredith on grey's anatomy.

oh, how much that says. the female heart is so fragile and needs so much care but so often is handled so haphazardly that it is physically painful. it's amazing how easily it can be damaged and sometimes that damage isn't really repairable.

Honestly...

The past week it seems like the focus has been on raw prayer and reflection in my life. I’ve realized I really do stuff and hide many of my thoughts, feelings, emotions, shortcomings, areas I want to grow in, etc from everyone. Over the past years some have come to the surface and close friends have been gracious enough to listen, reprove, and challenge me. But there has always been chunks of me that I am afraid to face, afraid to speak out loud, afraid of being judged, -- I guess just generally afraid. Or things that I am working on and for a while I’ll do fine and then back to the same old stuff. Stuff I would think I would and should have a handle on by now. I mean really, I’ve known God for over 25 years – you’d think I’d be excited about Him and having quiet times. But most of the time I say a little prayer, read a few verses maybe and then fall asleep. Ofcourse I hide this like all get out b/c it’s freaking painful and shameful to admit to my friends. I believe the lie that they won’t love me if they know, or they have their lives together so they couldn’t possibly understand. Most of the time I don’t think I really accept grace. Some days it feels like grace is for everyone but me. I acknowledge that makes no sense logically though. Also this is not an everyday, all the time feeling or state of mind. Some days I have awesome prayer times and really connect with God. I think I am afraid of people thinking what I write in my blog is a permanent state of mind/life/heart. It’s not. It’s just where I am right now. This week I’ve also been working through “expectations.” What I expect from friends mainly. And when they disappoint me how am I to react. Do I speak to them? Do I extend a butt load of grace and overlook it. Do I do a combination of both? What if they are too busy to actually speak to me? I have found myself focusing on all their positive attributes and know that even when they disappoint me its not a permanent statement of what they think of me or our friendship. Yep, I really do have good friends through this crazy thing I call life.

Walking

A recent picture from a shoot that I really like how it turned out. Yes, it has a buttload of photoshop done to it.

Confused

me: Did I confuse you?
shaun: Looking into mud puddles confuses me. I am like - crap, I am drowning. No wait. Crap, I am black. Crap, I am drowning and I am black. So I don't look in mud puddles.

V-day

So, Valentines day is coming up. Its kindof funny - all the personality profiles I've ever taken say I don't like Valentines Day and I think its retarded and all that. But really - I kindof like it. I like pink. I like chocolate. I like flowers. So yep, I like Valentines day atleast on some level. But I don't really think of Valentines day being all that romantic or anything. Maybe thats b/c the only Valentines day I actually had a boyfriend for I was 16 and he gave me a dead rose that he had left in his car for days. Oh well. My most memorable Valentines Day was like 8 years ago. A good guy friend came over and had worked all morning on a present for me and my roommate. He was all excited about it so that made it even more fun. He brought us a fishbowl filled with blue jello - now not just any fishbowl filled with blue jello - this one had rocks in the bottom, a fake plant, and gummy fish suspended in the jello so it kindof looked like a real fishbowl scene. It was awesome. We ate it until we got down to the rocks and then had to stop because - well, rocks and jello just don't mix. It was just too fun of a gift and I still think about it every Valentines Day. The next year my roommate was engaged so she had something romantic to do - but my good friend came over that year with cupcakes with mini snickers hidden inside them that he had made and a big mylar balloon that said something dorky on it. That was really cool too since I love cupcakes, esp with pink frosting. The next year he moved away so that was the end of fun Valentines Day treats from him. So yep, I don't hate Valentines Day. Oh, and I always try to find candy on sale the day after which holds me and my coworker over til Easter. :0)

Laundry Discussion

Shaun: I sort my laundry in three categories; whites, darks, and delicates.
Me: (with raised eyebrow) You have delicates?
Shaun: (embarrassed giggle)

Oh, the things you learn about boys somedays. :0)

Singleness

Liz forwarded an article last week about singleness that was quite good. You can read the whole thing at http://www.pcpc.org/ministries/singles/singledout.asp if you want to. A few things stood out to me. First that I have at some point heard, believed, and even repeated most of these “lies” about singleness. If I hear the first one one more time there is a high probability I will barf on the person. And the second one. I decided a few years ago I'd rather stay single then marry an idiot -- I am sticking to that- ok. I don't think it's picky. I think it's practical. I mean really, this guy could be the father of my children! Yikes!

So here are the "lies"
Warped theology is at the heart of attempts to "explain" singleness:
• "As soon as you’re satisfied with God alone, he’ll bring someone special into your life”—as though God’s blessings are ever earned by our contentment.
• "You’re too picky”—as though God is frustrated by our fickle whims and needs broader parameters in which to work.
• "As a single you can commit yourself wholeheartedly to the Lord’s work”—as though God requires emotional martyrs to do his work, of which marriage must be no part.
• "Before you can marry someone wonderful, the Lord has to make you someone wonderful"—as though God grants marriage as a second blessing to the satisfactorily sanctified.

I also thought this quote was really good.
“I am not single because I am too spiritually unstable to possibly deserve a husband, nor because I am too spiritually mature to possibly need one. I am single because God is so abundantly good to me, because this is his best for me. It is a cosmic impossibility that anything could be better for me right now than being single, The psalmists confirm that I should not want, I shall not want, because no good thing will God withhold from me.”

Yikes. I can not even tell you how many times I have believed I am not righteous enough or something for a husband and am being punished for my lack of faith or something. This was on my mind a lot more in my early 20's when everyone around me was getting married and I couldn't even get a date for Friday night. Ofcourse at that point in my life I had totally bought into the whole non-dating/only courting Christian crap that was going around and I pretty much shunned boys. So glad THAT stage of my life is over but I part of me feels that stage made me disabled and almost un-datable now. Ok - I know I am dateable and I am really enjoying this stage of singleness in general. And I am really thankful God did not have me marry young as I am not the same person I was 10 years ago. Wacky.

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edit: :0)

so after I posted this and told someone I posted a new blog and its not negative - they commented after reading it that it was - so I figure I didn't get my point across. It wasn't meant to be negative about singleness or boys or anything. I thought I was saying I have believed those lies about singleness before, but I don't believe them now and know that God has my best interest in mind and is not holding any good thing back from me. I am not single b/c I did or didn't do something for Him. That's pretty much what I was saying. :0)

ISTJ

yep - i think that describes me pretty well. What do you think? I kindof wonder where my artsy side fits in. interesting.
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Dependable, reliable and trustworthy, they like to belong to solid organisations that are reasonable in their ambitions and loyal to their employees. They feel useful when their roles and responsibilities are clearly established and they can monitor their activities and productivity in tangible ways. They tend to be rather modest, traditional and conventional, to like sensible clothing, to be thrifty, careful and wise with both money and possessions.

Once they accept a project, they will see it to the end. They manage their time well and are realistic about how much time and resources will be needed.

They tend to like to stay in one neighbourhood, often choosing to live close to where they were themselves raised. They are often involved with volunteer organisations and have a developed sense of citizenship and accountability. When they purchase something, it is after careful consideration; rarely will they buy something without having a known need or use for it. They may keep possessions for a lifetime and treasure those that were given to them.

They tend to have a good memory for specific facts that are necessary in their day-to-day life at work and at home. They accumulate facts and details to orient themselves, relying on repeated experiences that have been proven trustworthy. A fact once experienced may be the product of circumstance and happenstance; it is not in and of itself reliable. When an introverted sensing type hears an idea, they rummage through reams of archived facts to find an experience that provides information for the relevance and realism of an idea. When an introverted sensing type utters, "It's never been done!" they are saying that no information about the relevance or usefulness of the idea is available to them. They tend to shy away from surprises and what is perceived as unnecessary change.

http://www.personalitypathways.com/type_inventory.html