Honestly...

The past week it seems like the focus has been on raw prayer and reflection in my life. I’ve realized I really do stuff and hide many of my thoughts, feelings, emotions, shortcomings, areas I want to grow in, etc from everyone. Over the past years some have come to the surface and close friends have been gracious enough to listen, reprove, and challenge me. But there has always been chunks of me that I am afraid to face, afraid to speak out loud, afraid of being judged, -- I guess just generally afraid. Or things that I am working on and for a while I’ll do fine and then back to the same old stuff. Stuff I would think I would and should have a handle on by now. I mean really, I’ve known God for over 25 years – you’d think I’d be excited about Him and having quiet times. But most of the time I say a little prayer, read a few verses maybe and then fall asleep. Ofcourse I hide this like all get out b/c it’s freaking painful and shameful to admit to my friends. I believe the lie that they won’t love me if they know, or they have their lives together so they couldn’t possibly understand. Most of the time I don’t think I really accept grace. Some days it feels like grace is for everyone but me. I acknowledge that makes no sense logically though. Also this is not an everyday, all the time feeling or state of mind. Some days I have awesome prayer times and really connect with God. I think I am afraid of people thinking what I write in my blog is a permanent state of mind/life/heart. It’s not. It’s just where I am right now. This week I’ve also been working through “expectations.” What I expect from friends mainly. And when they disappoint me how am I to react. Do I speak to them? Do I extend a butt load of grace and overlook it. Do I do a combination of both? What if they are too busy to actually speak to me? I have found myself focusing on all their positive attributes and know that even when they disappoint me its not a permanent statement of what they think of me or our friendship. Yep, I really do have good friends through this crazy thing I call life.