chewy sweettarts

I think it's a conspiracy. I got a bag of chewy sweet tarts and its disproportionally yellow and green ones. My least favorite b/c they are massively tart and force me to make weird faces while eating them. I like the red and orange ones best, they are sweeter. So there you have it.

Tom Waits will be playing in Houston in a few weeks. I decided not to go. Tickets are $85 and the gas there and back would be about $70 so I am saving the money (which I don't have anyway) and not going. I am planning another fun trip for July though (with that money I am saving that I actually don't have). Oh, but cool news. I had some pictures up in a cafe in a church for the past year and 2 of them sold. I think its only like $50 profit but hey, thats $50 I didn't expect.

I am glad its friday.

Children

I really enjoyed having my parents here last week. It was the first time it was just the 3 of us I think ever. Well, it was just the 3 of us before we got Michael but that was over 30 years ago. One evening sticks out. We were all sitting in the dining room and Liz was over, you know Liz, she asks lots of questions. :0) She asked my dad something about what advice he had for young Christians. He asked us what was our purpose in life. We responded with, “glorify God and enjoy him forever,” straight out of the Westminster catechism. Dad said, “yes and remember that faith is simple. You don’t have to get all deep in theology to follow God. Just follow Him.” That was paraphrased a bunch but that was the idea. Dad has known God for about 35 years and went to church all his life. He has always been a very Godly leader of my family and active in a local church and active in personal quiet times. I remember in high school feeling comforted knowing that he was getting up early every morning to spend time with God (I often wasn’t). Even when I didn’t understand dads reasons for stuff (and I did argue with him a lot), I knew in my heart he had taken stuff to God and had the families best interests in mind. Liz later asked my parents what characteristics do they think I need in a husband. I wasn’t sure how they’d answer that being away from me for 14 years. Was interesting insight. You’ll have to ask if you want to know what they said. That night they also talked about how they met and stuff. And then somehow they asked again (they asked years ago) if I wanted to be a foster parent or adopt children as a single parent. Whoa. I guess they missed the memo on Michele thoughts on children. The short of it is I don’t feel lead to be a single parent or foster parent. And even if I did get married I am struggling with some parenthood thoughts.

Which that kind of brings us to that. Wednesday night Blanca and I were talking with a friend about kids and he said he and his wife are not having kids and how all the ramifications of that are sinking in. We talked about the fear of being alone when/if we get old. Will there be anyone to help us. I’ve thought about that a lot. Kids often help out their parents when they are old – sometimes financially, sometimes house and yardwork, sometimes just spending time with them. Well, if you don’t have kids, who will be there. I am hoping my siblings and nieces/nephews will be there. Or friends and their children. Rudy and Brook have said they are in it for the long haul with our friendship so maybe Naaman will come help me with yardwork and stuff. But greater than my fear of being alone is my fear of loving a child and them dying. I just can’t imagine it. Tonight I went on a prayer walk (Liz and Beth do it so it must be a good idea :0) kidding). Anyway – I prayed that I would not be so afraid of loss that I would miss out on life’s joys. I was thinking broader than just children but anyway. I fear loss. It sometimes paralyses me. I prefer to keep people at a distance so when they hurt or leave me I don’t feel much loss (that doesn’t really work by the way.) I fear having children because what if something happens to them. I just can’t wrap my head around it. And then there is the fear of bringing children into this world. This world is so corrupt. So full of evil. I am struggling with thoughts of is it even right to bring children into this mess. I just don’t know. I really need to trust God in this area.

I got an email this morning about Steven Curtis Chapmans youngest daughter Maria being killed yesterday. Her brother didn’t see her and hit her with an SUV in their driveway. I don’t know them personally but I’ve kept up with their blogs for the last couple years so it feel like I know them. I just don’t understand God’s plan in this. Maria was only 5. And her brother is a musician and so tender-hearted. I can’t imagine the pain he is in. Other siblings saw the accident too. The family was celebrating their oldest daughter Emily getting engaged, their brother Calab graduating from high school and then a tragedy like this. I just can’t understand it. And ofcourse this reminded me Marshall. I still don’t understand his death. Mason and Marshall were so close. Heidi had just gotten engaged, Hannah was about to get engaged. Their parents loved and followed God. I just don’t get the why.

Well, that’s what’s been going on in my head/heart this week. I am struggling with glorifying God sometimes. Sorry for the length. I’ll leave you with a few of my favorite pictures of Maria and Stevey Joy (they were both 5 and really close), a family picture, and one of Maria and her mom Mary Beth from their blog.

quick thoughts

1. Had a great time with my parents last week. It went by quickly. I kindof put them to work around the house helping me finish up some stuff. Changed the hinges on my kitchen cabinets, painted the hall and downstairs bath, hemmed curtains, put together a new dresser from IKEA, fixed a curtain rod, manicured my stairs (mom's idea), touched up paint, dad fixed my dryer, and a few other little things. We also went out and had some fun. Went to San Antonio, ate at Iron Cactus, mom found a set of longhorns for my brother and they actually got them back to VA on the plane. We went to the guys indoor soccer game. We went out for a steak. Ate Sonic chili cheese dogs and went bowling with Liz. Saw the Narnia movie friday. Overall it was a great time and was nice that they got to meet many of my friends, a few for the first time.

2. I wasn't really ready to go back to work Monday but its been an ok week so far.

3. I think the American Idol final performances were kindof a let down. They were ok but not great. And it just wasn't the same not watching it with Brook and Rudy. I think David A will win.

4. Was hoping to watch the Manchester United/Chelsea soccer game tomorrow night but there is a Spurs game on so I guess soccer will wait.

5. My car is making a weird rattle sound under the hood. Wish I didn't have to deal with it.

6. I am really excited Renee will be back this weekend. I am trying to keep reasonable expectations though.

7. It would be cool to get a sports car but I am sure I wouldn't drive it to it's full potential. I might get one anyway in a few years.

8. Watching Grey's Anatomy makes me feel weird and depressed. I probably shouldn't watch it.

9. Really, my life is good. I am mostly happy. Its been good to step back and look at stuff this semester. And also start to re-figure out that God is for me and not against me. I haven't fully grasped it yet.

10. I value my friends alot. Probably too much. I am trying to change up how I feel and react. Not sure its fully working on the inside but I might be pulling it off on the outside.

11. I really like a good steak every once in a while. Gotta have it rarely enough to still make it special though.

12. I get intimidated fairly easily.

13. Its hard for me to want to put effort into getting to know new people.

14. I am still trying to figure out who I am, what I like, what I don't like.

15. The Narnia movie was pretty good but I am hoping Indiana Jones blows me away.

16. I nerded out and got a 98.78% in my vector graphics class.

17. UpperCrust bakery cookies are really good. My fav is the peanut butter oatmeal choc chip.

18. Like a dork I left my purse at chic-fil-a last night. It was still there 20 minutes later when I returned.

19. Its cool we have a 3 day weekend.

20. I somehow ended up with mosquito bites on my knuckles and elbow.

21. I feel at work some people don't really listen to me. I sure don't feel understood. I've kindof given up on that.

22. I have a friend who says they've only been lonely once in their life. I have a hard time fathoming that. I am lonely atleast 3 times a week.

23. I've pondered whether I should try to like beer and wine. I feel like I am not an adult yet since I don't like it. Maybe I'll just carry around a bottle that LOOKS like beer but is really lemonade or sweet tea.

24. I am really looking forward to the world cup. But its still 2 years away!

25. I wish I was a kid and had a real summer vacation.

Lizard

So, I seem to have a pet lizard now. He has made his new home near my living room window and plant inside. He's been here about a week now. I hope he finds enough food and water in that corner. I've been spritzing the window sill for him with water and tonight I left some applesauce out for him - don't know if he likes applesauce but figured maybe it would attract the few bugs I have inside and he could eat them. See, I am a good mom. :0)~ Its nice having the lizard around but I am sure he'll leave at some point. I just don't want him to die inside. But he does seem happy in here and there are no birds or cats inside to eat him. So, here are a few pics of the cute little fellow.

Mace

I shoot a lot of children so it was really nice to shoot an older "kid" who would sit still. :0)~ Mace did great even though I don't think he just loves being in front of the camera. Ya can't tell though as the camera loves him. He's got great eyes and smile. A few times I wasn't quite sure what to do with all his arms and legs, it was kindof like shooting a giraffe! kidding. :0) I think the pictures are great and am sure all the girls at school will also agree. He's at prom tonight with about half of them as dates I hear.

Super Glue

Well, the super thing about super glue is that it sticks real good. What's not so super is when it explodes all over your hand. Yep, that's exactly what happened last night. A little tube squished all over my left head as I was trying to glue the wings back on my cow angel. Yea, don't ask. Ok, so its this plastic figurine of a cow with wings. My grandfather bought it for me right before he died so I've kept it. But the wings fall off fairly often. So I was gluing it and the tube goo-ed everywhere. It was a lot of glue. Too much for my normal method of sandpapering it off once its dry. I was able to get my fingers apart before it dried. I tried nail polish remover but as it had no acetone in it it didn't do any good at all. So then I ended up soaking my hand in the hottest soapiest water I could handle and peeled it all off one tiny bit at a time. Took about a 1/2 hour and I got most of it off then sandpapered the rest. I have no fingerprints anymore.

Brown kiddos

Loser

I am amazed at how much this has bothered me. We had a certificate design contest at work to make a HR service award certificate that people will get on their working anniversary. Originally I wasn't going to enter b/c I just didn't have the time to come up with a good concept and design it. But then a few co-workers and one of my bosses asked me to enter it so I did. They revealed the winner yesterday. I had figured out last week that I didn't win and honestly that really surprised me. I wasn't up against any other designers. And the other certificates were actually quite bad in my design opinion. So anyway, I lost. I thought about getting a shirt made that says, "I suck." but a few friends think that's a little too dramatic. But man, it sure knocked all my confidence and most of my self-worth right out the window. (yes, I know it shouldn't have.) I have learned that I am really sensitive lately. Small things really rattle me. I try to smile though it but I'd prefer to crawl under a rock. And its more than just the certificate design. I think I am just going through another period of feeling hurt by people. I think it's God's way of reminding me that I need Him, so unfortunately I can only expect to continue to feel hurt.

So here's the certificate that won. I really like the person that made it so atleast that's good. She's really nice and deserves the pizza party and $50 that she won. And her design is very corporate HR looking with our values listed and everything.

And here's my design. I was asked to do something non-traditional looking by my boss so I did. I don't think the HR world is ready for me. The little orange guy at the bottom is named HAP (happy androgynous person) and he's kind of become a joke around here as he's part of the HR logo and has to be plastered on everything. I didn't design him but like him ok. Well, atleast the certificate design helped me practice my Illustrator skills.


So, there you have it. I am not inspired to do much workwise. I have a bunch of design work but I have no inspiration. Guess I'll just make something crappy and they'll probably love it. That's just how it goes around here.

vector projects

Someone mentioned I hadn't posted any of this semesters design projects so here are a couple. My last class is tuesday and I am really looking forward to no school this summer. Yeah.

This is the final project we did. Its due on Tuesday. It had to be a "greetings from Austin" postcard and had to contain certain features. Some which look a little dorky. Like we had to make and use a calligraphy and a pattern brush (hence the barbed wire and dorky Texas calligraphy). "Austin" had to be 3D with pictures in the letters. 5 of the 6 letters I used pictures of the austin guitars that I had taken last year and then the tower picture is one I took last week for a work project. I think I met all the criteria for the project. I've found that's really what most of school is about, following directions.

And this was the project we had a few weeks ago. We were given a low res poster file and told to recreate it exactly. And were suppose to incorporate special Illustrator tools. Doing the little teepees in the background with a symbol sprayer was almost the death of me. But in the end they worked. I feel fairly comfortable using Adobe Illustrator now but I still have sooo much to learn about the program. In my "real life" I work more in photoshop.