Children

I really enjoyed having my parents here last week. It was the first time it was just the 3 of us I think ever. Well, it was just the 3 of us before we got Michael but that was over 30 years ago. One evening sticks out. We were all sitting in the dining room and Liz was over, you know Liz, she asks lots of questions. :0) She asked my dad something about what advice he had for young Christians. He asked us what was our purpose in life. We responded with, “glorify God and enjoy him forever,” straight out of the Westminster catechism. Dad said, “yes and remember that faith is simple. You don’t have to get all deep in theology to follow God. Just follow Him.” That was paraphrased a bunch but that was the idea. Dad has known God for about 35 years and went to church all his life. He has always been a very Godly leader of my family and active in a local church and active in personal quiet times. I remember in high school feeling comforted knowing that he was getting up early every morning to spend time with God (I often wasn’t). Even when I didn’t understand dads reasons for stuff (and I did argue with him a lot), I knew in my heart he had taken stuff to God and had the families best interests in mind. Liz later asked my parents what characteristics do they think I need in a husband. I wasn’t sure how they’d answer that being away from me for 14 years. Was interesting insight. You’ll have to ask if you want to know what they said. That night they also talked about how they met and stuff. And then somehow they asked again (they asked years ago) if I wanted to be a foster parent or adopt children as a single parent. Whoa. I guess they missed the memo on Michele thoughts on children. The short of it is I don’t feel lead to be a single parent or foster parent. And even if I did get married I am struggling with some parenthood thoughts.

Which that kind of brings us to that. Wednesday night Blanca and I were talking with a friend about kids and he said he and his wife are not having kids and how all the ramifications of that are sinking in. We talked about the fear of being alone when/if we get old. Will there be anyone to help us. I’ve thought about that a lot. Kids often help out their parents when they are old – sometimes financially, sometimes house and yardwork, sometimes just spending time with them. Well, if you don’t have kids, who will be there. I am hoping my siblings and nieces/nephews will be there. Or friends and their children. Rudy and Brook have said they are in it for the long haul with our friendship so maybe Naaman will come help me with yardwork and stuff. But greater than my fear of being alone is my fear of loving a child and them dying. I just can’t imagine it. Tonight I went on a prayer walk (Liz and Beth do it so it must be a good idea :0) kidding). Anyway – I prayed that I would not be so afraid of loss that I would miss out on life’s joys. I was thinking broader than just children but anyway. I fear loss. It sometimes paralyses me. I prefer to keep people at a distance so when they hurt or leave me I don’t feel much loss (that doesn’t really work by the way.) I fear having children because what if something happens to them. I just can’t wrap my head around it. And then there is the fear of bringing children into this world. This world is so corrupt. So full of evil. I am struggling with thoughts of is it even right to bring children into this mess. I just don’t know. I really need to trust God in this area.

I got an email this morning about Steven Curtis Chapmans youngest daughter Maria being killed yesterday. Her brother didn’t see her and hit her with an SUV in their driveway. I don’t know them personally but I’ve kept up with their blogs for the last couple years so it feel like I know them. I just don’t understand God’s plan in this. Maria was only 5. And her brother is a musician and so tender-hearted. I can’t imagine the pain he is in. Other siblings saw the accident too. The family was celebrating their oldest daughter Emily getting engaged, their brother Calab graduating from high school and then a tragedy like this. I just can’t understand it. And ofcourse this reminded me Marshall. I still don’t understand his death. Mason and Marshall were so close. Heidi had just gotten engaged, Hannah was about to get engaged. Their parents loved and followed God. I just don’t get the why.

Well, that’s what’s been going on in my head/heart this week. I am struggling with glorifying God sometimes. Sorry for the length. I’ll leave you with a few of my favorite pictures of Maria and Stevey Joy (they were both 5 and really close), a family picture, and one of Maria and her mom Mary Beth from their blog.