thoughts

I've been thinking of some of this for a while and debating blogging or just keeping the thoughts to myself. As a Christian and growing up in the church I've heard ALOT about heaven. We talk about how perfect it is and how there is no pain, suffering, etc. We sing about how we can't wait to see Jesus and hang out with him/worship him. So, all this makes me view life loosely and wonder if heaven is better than why would I want to stay here. Now I know there are reasons. But lately I keep running up against thoughts of what would I do in a difficult situation and end up thinking - oh if such and such happens I'll just die. And I mean it pretty literally. There has been alot in the news about the economy and then in early August the stock market plunged again and my mom was really upset. And so I was thinking, well, what would I do if I lost everything b/c the economy totally tanks. My solution. I'll just die and say farewell cruel world and spend eternity in heaven. Or when I think of famine or war or crazy governments. I don't feel I have the strength to fight for much of anything and keep thinking, well, I could always just die.

Then I start thinking of why am I single. Oh probably b/c I am going to die soon so God doesn't want to give me a husband or kids b/c I'll just be gone soon. Or I think why get married. He's just going to die too. Wow. That all sounds quite depressing. I think I do struggle with some depression and definitely loneliness. Friday nights and Sundays are the worst. Friday nights I am usually tired from the week and just want to stay in and have someone to detox from the week with. Then Sundays remind me that I don't have a family, and seems like pretty much everyone around me does. Growing up we had most every evening meal together and sundays together. Mom would often cook and we'd hang out in the kitchen with her. Or sometimes Sunday's we'd go get a bucket of chicken after church so mom didn't have to cook. But now I don't have a family of my own and my family is far away and most all my friends have a family and are busy with their own lives. I know thats just how it is. But then that reminds me of all the heaven talk again. We've been taught there is a banquet table in heaven. That sounds much better than the bowl of cereal I often eat for sunday dinner. And I bet at the banquet table there is fellowship too.

I've been thinking of the Hagan/Karina relationship lately. How they voted and made her part of the family while she was in college. So she had somewhere for Sunday dinners, and birthdays, and even vacations. Very cool. I do have a sortof adopted family here so I generally have somewhere for holidays. But its not full-out included in the family. Which is ok. It is a lot of responsibility to be in a family. Many families have a lot of drama. And I don't want to be the semi-wanted stepkid anyway. I was really excited when Liveoak decided to go with a homegroup model. I'd have a little family. And we were suppose to live life together. Well, that didn't really happen and homegroups lasted about a year. So I feel like I am almost back to square one. Do I go find another church? I've prayed about it but don't feel lead to do that. I've visited a few churches. At some people say hi, but I don't really feel that welcomed and they don't invite me out to lunch. Plus I have friends. And I don't make new friends very easily. Maybe its just a busy season in everyones lives. Maybe once their kids are grown it will be different. Ofcourse since I could die at any minute I doubt I'll be around for all that. But fear not. I seriously won't hurt/kill myself or anything. It's just that I get really lonely lately and all the songs and talk about heaven make it sound like a lot better place to be. But then I am also afraid of heaven b/c its the unknown.

There IS some happiness in my life. I am enjoying having time to do glass and pottery stuff. And looking forward to going to Normal in a few weeks for Rudy's ordination. AND I do have great friends. :0)